An undivided heart

When Talita was in the hospital, I thought everything would be fine once she came home.  I could see it in my head: I’d spend hours looking at my baby as she slept in my arms and would be overwhelmed with joy, gratitude and relief. Things like bonding and breastfeeding would fall into place; the crying would stop, and I’d be happy again.

Sure enough, when she was discharged, I felt great joy and relief. Gratitude too. But to my surprise, I also felt guilt, resentment, anxiety, shame, anger, and sadness. For the first time since baby girl was born, I was able to really start processing things. The more I thought about everything the more angry I got with God.

It took awhile to even admit to myself that I was mad (more like furious) at God and it took a lot longer to share this with anyone other than Tony. I felt like the only words that should come out of my mouth were “Praise God!” because my daughter was alive and well.  But the truth is, having baby in the NICU sucks!! Big time. It really really does.

Once I was honest about how I truly felt, the process of healing was able to commence. I’m still in the thick of it but I believe there’s hope for me. I have slowly started praying this part of Psalm 86:

1Teach me your way, Lord,
    that I may rely on your faithfulness;
give me an undivided heart,
    that I may fear your name.

And I’m looking forward to the day I’m able to honestly say these words:

12 I will praise you, Lord my God, with all my heart;
    I will glorify your name forever.
13 For great is your love toward me;
    you have delivered me from the depths,
    from the realm of the dead.

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