Update

Friends,

God IS faithful.

I’m in a much better place emotionally and spiritually than I was just a few months ago. Not sure when or how things started to change but they did. Sure there is plenty of room for growth and healing still but I can sense God working in my life and slowly mending my heart. Let me tell you, there’s nothing like it.

It’s not that I ever stopped believing in God or even loving Him but when Talita was born I started questioning His faithfulness. The whole situation knocked me off my feet and shook my faith as well.

I was angry and disappointed with both God and myself. I felt like God had let us down and betrayed us by letting such an awful thing happen to us. At the same time, I was angry at myself for being disappointed with God and for having such a sense of self-entitlement. I felt like we had both screwed up by not holding our respective end of the deal. Even though intellectually and theologically I knew this wasn’t how things worked, that’s exactly how it felt and I couldn’t shake it off.

Anger, disappointment and doubt are dark and lonely places to be in. Life went on with its joys and challenges but I couldn’t turn to God to share those moments with Him. Who do you cry out to when you’re hurting and estranged from God? And who do you praise when your heart is overwhelmed with joy?

But like I said, God is faithful.  He lifted me out of the pit of despair and things are looking up. Thank you Jesus.

I waited patiently for the Lord to help me,
    and he turned to me and heard my cry.
 He lifted me out of the pit of despair,
    out of the mud and the mire.
He set my feet on solid ground
    and steadied me as I walked along.
 He has given me a new song to sing,
    a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see what he has done and be amazed.
    They will put their trust in the Lord.

Psalm 40: 1-3

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